Dutch Fashion Hell the Seven Levels
After delivering the seven deadly sins of Dutch fashion to my readers, the Shallow Man thought that it would be wise to keep a low profile. I decided to stay in a part of Amsterdam that no one in their right mind spends too much time in, Amsterdam North. This was a terrible mistake, as being exceptionally well dressed, I stood out like a Dutch woman in a cafe wearing high heels and not smoking.
I was grabbed by a group of angry PVV voters, led by Holland’s top fashion blogger, Monique de Saai, of the appalling blog, My Little Black Dutch Fashion Book and Me. Laughing at my predicament, she shouted “welcome to hell Shallow Man. You’ve offended lots of well dressed Dutch people. We Dutch are the most stylish people IN THE WORLD. There are seven levels to being fashionable in the Netherlands, and I intend to take you through them.”
To be fair, I wasn’t surprised that hell is located in Amsterdam North, it makes perfect sense actually. Gripping my arm she guided me through the seven levels of Dutch fashion hell.
Now, this post might annoy some, and if as a result I’m captured by the organizers of Amsterdam fashion week, who then force me to sit through catwalk displays of all of the latest Dutch fashion trends, I’ll say to my detractors. “If your objective was to scare the life out of me, congratulations, you’ve succeeded. I have a phobia about skeletons, and I see that you’re using them to model your clothes.”
The things I do for my readers!
1. From Guantanamo Bay to the Netherlands
Upon arriving at the first level, I saw a sight, so disturbing that like a Dutchman left to pay the bill on a first date, I screamed in agony. Stood before me, was a Dutch lady, Femke I think her name was, who was dressed from head to toes in a denim jumpsuit. I tried to shield my eyes, but my captors wouldn’t allow it. Laughing, Monique said to me, “before you is a trend that is really in this year in the Netherlands, the jumpsuit. Inspired by the outfits worn by prisoners in Guantanamo Bay, we’ve added our own Dutch twist to it, and you’ll be seeing women all over the country dressed like this.”
It was already too much for me. “I’m so sorry” I moaned, really, I’ve had enough let me go please.” Ignoring my cries for mercy, she took me to the next level of Dutch fashion hell.
Hideous beyond words, and visible all over the Netherlands
2. The flat shoe chamber of horrors
The next level was a large room, full of flat shoes. “Shallow Man, you know that we Dutch girls are so stylish that we don’t need to wear heels to look good. As most of you expats know, we already look down on foreign men. We are so tall that we don’t need heels to do that, so what’s the point? You’ve also got to remember that most Dutch men don’t like high heels, so why bother?
The best selling women’s shoes in the Netherlands
3. The Sweat Shop
As I was led to the next level, I feared what horrors awaited me. I entered a huge room where I could barely see ahead of me as it was so filled with cigarette smoke. Long rows of tables filled the room, at which sat lots of young Dutch women. The noise was unbearable, and I could see that there were piles of jeans into which the ladies were making holes. “What’s going on?” I asked, not sure what I was witnessing.”What you see here is a production line for making ripped jeans. Lots of Dutch girls are too slow-witted to think of buying a normal pair of jeans, and making the holes themselves. So in this room, we make ‘designer’ ripped jeans. Retailers can charge over a hundred euros, just for taking a pair of scissors to denim. Ongelooflijk!
“I’m just plain dumb for paying good money for a pair of jeans that are cut to bits”
4. The boot chamber of horrors
As I arrived in the next chamber, Monique gave me a lecture. “To be a truly stylish Dutch girl you need to own three types of boots that go together just like tinder, casual sex, and regret, yes I’m talking about the following:
- Cowboy Boots
- Ugg Boots
- Doctor Martens
“I’ve read your blog, and there’s nothing wrong with wearing any of the above. What matters in the Netherlands is comfort, not how things look. I read your comment about seeing a Dutch woman in a cafe, proudly wearing her cowboy boots and you asked her, “is that your horse outside? be careful, as I’ve seen a FEBO van parked nearby, you don’t want it to end up in a kroket.” Such comments are uncalled for Shallow Man.”
Anouk’s boot collection was a bit shocking for her expat boyfriend
Scientists have proven a link between paying too much for coffee and wearing offensive boots all year round
5. In hell you need hotpants
By now, I was weary, I could barely take any more. But as a German waiter once said to me in Munich, when I asked him where my order of sausages was. In broken English, he responded, “I’m so sorry Herr Shallow Man, die Wurst is yet to come.”
The voice of Monique de Saai, took on a hysterical high-pitched squeal, worse than sitting next to a group of Dutch sorority girls in a bar, as she told me. “I’m so excited to say that hot pants are definitely in this summer. Not only for wearing at the beach, or while cycling so passing men can’t get a look at your granny panties. They also are ideal for wearing in the office. In fact, I once wore a pair to my previous job, and when my manager made a comment about them not being appropriate for work, I said to her: “Wat zeg je? I thought you were from the US, not IRAN! It’s because you’re not Dutch, so you don’t understand that we’re emancipated here.”
“Hotpants can be worn at all times, in fact, I’m going to my Oma’s funeral tomorrow, and will wear a pair of hotpants. In black, to show some respect.”
How to look good in Holland this summer
6. Floral patterns
I suspected what the next level would hold, and I was right. Like a Dutch person at a music festival, I had the sensation of having a bad drugs trip, as I entered a room full of clothes with floral patterns. Leggings, trousers, tops, skirts, were all covered with flowers. It was too much for me. Witnessing and enjoying my pain, my captor spoke. “The Netherlands is famous for its flowers. Every stylish Dutch girl knows that walking around looking like the Keukenhof in full bloom is the trendy thing to do. If you combine the floral print with a nice denim jacket you’ll look incredible!
Horror beyond words!
7. In the pits of Dutch fashion hell, there can only be
A room, lined with mirrors, which I could barely see, as there was no electricity as such. In front of each mirror sat a woman, each with a hairstyle more horrendous than the next. They sat there, in the dark, with scissors, clippers, and fruit bowls on their heads and cut their own hair.
“Yes Shallow Man, in Latin this level is described as the ‘overthirtyandsettleddownatorium’. The place where women style their own hair. Remember that we Dutch women are emancipated. So as soon as we’ve found a man that can afford to allow us to work part-time, we start cutting our own hair. At this point, it was too much, and I screamed and passed out.
Styling in the dark
The first thing men look for in a woman, is she comfortable?
No Guantanamo Bay prisoners were hurt during the writing of this post
Till next time houd je snavel!
After 7 years in Limburg I have come to a conclusion that makes sense to me.
The Dutch women prefer to take the easy road, less effort becomes them.
The reason I say this is:
1) I do not know many that prepare a proper home made meal from scratch that takes more than 30 minutes. How can a good meal be ready to eat at 6pm? I am just finishing work, but still make an beautiful fresh meal for 1930.
They cannot be bothered, but will give the excuses they do not have time. Of course they do.
2) They do not care about food, it is just fuel.
(Lazy, cannot be arsed to cook, probably do not know how or care to learn).
3) They wear awful, basic, unfashionable clothes.
They will say, clothes do not interest them, but in essence, they are too lazy to try, or want to fit in with their friends and family or too scared to ‘stick out’ ‘normal is crazy enough’.
4), They have given up trying to look good.
They will say they are emancipated – they do not realise that you can be emancipated and look nice, take Helen Mirren the actress for example, and you do not need money for this. Just have to take a bit of time and effort.
5) Hair.
Cutting it all off and going basic grey, well good for them.
Does it look good, no. It looks bloody awful. Do they care, no.
They will say it is cheaper, quicker and OK.
So many things lead me to the conclusion that they are not that bothered about these things because they cannot be bothered to spend the time to gain a higher level of cooking or style.
Then you realise, that they are basic. Basic in their look, basic in the way they cook, basic with their character. They do not even have pretty gardens with lawns and flowers, why? Because again, they cannot be bothered to take the time .
They will tell you they have to spend time looking after a family, a dog, the house, an ill old person. However, I know many ladies in the UK and Italy that do all of these things, with a full time job, and they still:
Look glamorous
Create stunning meals from fresh, diverse and healthy. Not from packers or jars.
Have pretty, aesthetically pleasing green gardens, (not paved over).
Beautiful feminine hair and fashion sense. None of which costs much. I dye and cut my long hair myself. It looks glamorous and youthful. I am 55.
It does take time, it does take effort, and it is all worth it.
Some Dutch women, especially the 50 plus age range, just seem to have decided to take the easy path.
I work until 6pm most week evenings and still achieve all of above.
My only conclusion is that they have decided to make no effort and take the easy path.
Of my divorced lady friends who are Dutch and live this basic way with no effort, each and every one of them has remained single now for 4 years. No men seem interested in dating them. I wonder why?
At the end of the day, this is the way they want to live, so good luck to them. They are clearly very happy with their choices.
I am just so thankful I was brought up in a different culture, it is just so much more joyful, fun and exciting.
Life is short, make the most of it in every way you can.
I love your site, thank the Lord there is someone out there who understands this. I consider myself a cool English lady if a certain age. I am absolutely bored to the back teeth of seeing so many women dress like they are just walking the dog, gardening or taking out the rubbish.They generally do not care! Older women seem to get worse and in my area have all cut their hair off, and look like their aged husbands, all on marching e-bikes, hard to tell the difference. Why or why do they do this. They all, like a summer uniform wear white peddle pushers on their e-bikes in the summer, like it is some sort of rule.
I like a dress, nice long flowing locks, dyed to a subtle brown, I consider myself cool and elegant. I feel they are judging me for trying, or spending money or some other basic bitch criteria.
I have got to the stage that they offend me to look at such blandness. Sadly I think they are proud of their look, as if looking like a bin man was OK.
The sooner I get back to London and Italy the better for my sanity.
Thank you Shaoow Man for noticing all of this.
The struggle is real for us feminine, fashion love g expats.
As someone who became a father in the last year, I am noticing a lot of the other young parents giving themselves a sort of asexual 1980s Blue Peter presenter look. Bright check shirts and trousers in yellow, red or green.
Love the sarcasm 😀
Most peepz don’t even believe some of us cut and dye our own hair.
Like a boss (pronounce it as baauss for the effect).
;3
hahaha as for point 7, even my [Dutch] husband makes remarks about that. He’s always noticing at parties of relatives that Dutch women at some age especially the married ones start getting the same hair cut. It’s like a secret code! One time at a birthday dinner I even noticed my father-in-law has more hair than all of his senior women guests. 🙂
As a Dutch man, I too consider this hell
xD you love my hoodie collection then? hehehe xd
No 7: spot on, sometimes I dont know what the hell these ladies were thinking..
dude, did you just forget mentioning the famous and beloved, sex-appealing moccasins?? 🙂 http://www.joghtlust.nl/images/large/TodsNederland/ruin-Moccasin-Gommino-Tods-Outlet-Onlin-73_LRG.jpg