Dutch Fashion Hell the Seven Levels

After delivering the seven deadly sins of Dutch fashion to my readers, the Shallow Man thought that it would be wise to keep a low profile. I decided to stay in a part of Amsterdam that no one in their right mind spends too much time in, Amsterdam North. This was a terrible mistake, as being exceptionally well dressed, I stood out like a Dutch woman in a cafe wearing high heels and not smoking.

I was grabbed by a group of angry PVV voters, led by Holland’s top fashion blogger, Monique de Saai, of the appalling blog, My Little Black Dutch Fashion Book and Me. Laughing at my predicament, she shouted “welcome to hell Shallow Man. You’ve offended lots of well dressed Dutch people. We Dutch are the most stylish people IN THE WORLD. There are seven levels to being fashionable in the Netherlands, and I intend to take you through them.”

To be fair, I wasn’t surprised that hell is located in Amsterdam North, it makes perfect sense actually. Gripping my arm she guided me through the seven levels of Dutch fashion hell.

Now, this post might annoy some, and if as a result I’m captured by the organizers of Amsterdam fashion week, who then force me to sit through catwalk displays of all of the latest Dutch fashion trends, I’ll say to my detractors. “If your objective was to scare the life out of me, congratulations, you’ve succeeded. I have a phobia about skeletons, and I see that you’re using them to model your clothes.”

The things I do for my readers!

1. From Guantanamo Bay to the Netherlands

Upon arriving at the first level, I saw a sight, so disturbing that like a Dutchman left to pay the bill on a first date, I screamed in agony. Stood before me, was a Dutch lady, Femke I think her name was, who was dressed from head to toes in a denim jumpsuit. I tried to shield my eyes, but my captors wouldn’t allow it. Laughing, Monique said to me, “before you is a trend that is really in this year in the Netherlands, the jumpsuit. Inspired by the outfits worn by prisoners in Guantanamo Bay, we’ve added our own Dutch twist to it, and you’ll be seeing women all over the country dressed like this.”

It was already too much for me. “I’m so sorry” I moaned, really, I’ve had enough let me go please.” Ignoring my cries for mercy, she took me to the next level of Dutch fashion hell.

Hideous beyond words, and visible all over the Netherlands

2. The flat shoe chamber of horrors

The next level was a large room, full of flat shoes.  “Shallow Man, you know that we Dutch girls are so stylish that we don’t need to wear heels to look good. As most of you expats know, we already look down on foreign men. We are so tall that we don’t need heels to do that, so what’s the point? You’ve also got to remember that most Dutch men don’t like high heels, so why bother?

The best selling women’s shoes in the Netherlands

3. The Sweat Shop

As I was led to the next level, I feared what horrors awaited me. I entered a huge room where I could barely see ahead of me as it was so filled with cigarette smoke. Long rows of tables filled the room, at which sat lots of young Dutch women. The noise was unbearable, and I could see that there were piles of jeans into which the ladies were making holes. “What’s going on?” I asked, not sure what I was witnessing.”What you see here is a production line for making ripped jeans. Lots of Dutch girls are too slow-witted to think of buying a normal pair of jeans, and making the holes themselves. So in this room, we make ‘designer’ ripped jeans. Retailers can charge over a hundred euros, just for taking a pair of scissors to denim. Ongelooflijk!

“I’m just plain dumb for paying good money for a pair of jeans that are cut to bits”

4. The boot chamber of horrors

As I arrived in the next chamber, Monique gave me a lecture. “To be a truly stylish Dutch girl you need to own three types of boots that go together just like tinder, casual sex, and regret, yes I’m talking about the following:

1. Cowboy Boots
2. Ugg Boots
3. Doctor Martens

“I’ve read your blog, and there’s nothing wrong with wearing any of the above. What matters in the Netherlands is comfort, not how things look. I read your comment about seeing a Dutch woman in a cafe, proudly wearing her cowboy boots and you asked her, “is that your horse outside? be careful, as I’ve seen a FEBO van parked nearby, you don’t want it to end up in a kroket.” Such comments are uncalled for Shallow Man.”

Anouk’s boot collection was a bit shocking for her expat boyfriend

Scientists have proven a link between paying too much for coffee and wearing offensive boots all year round

5. In hell you need hotpants

By now, I was weary, I could barely take any more. But as a German waiter once said to me in Munich, when I asked him where my order of sausages was. In broken English, he responded, “I’m so sorry Herr Shallow Man, die Wurst is yet to come.”

The voice of Monique de Saai, took on a hysterical high-pitched squeal, worse than sitting next to a group of Dutch sorority girls in a bar, as she told me. “I’m so excited to say that hot pants are definitely in this summer. Not only for wearing at the beach, or while cycling so passing men can’t get a look at your granny panties. They also are ideal for wearing in the office. In fact, I once wore a pair to my previous job, and when my manager made a comment about them not being appropriate for work, I said to her: “Wat zeg je? I thought you were from the US, not IRAN! It’s because you’re not Dutch, so you don’t understand that we’re emancipated here.”

“Hotpants can be worn at all times, in fact, I’m going to my Oma’s funeral tomorrow, and will wear a pair of hotpants. In black, to show some respect.”

How to look good in Holland this summer

6. Floral patterns

I suspected what the next level would hold, and I was right. Like a Dutch person at a music festival, I had the sensation of having a bad drugs trip, as I entered a room full of clothes with floral patterns. Leggings, trousers, tops, skirts, were all covered with flowers. It was too much for me. Witnessing and enjoying my pain, my captor spoke. “The Netherlands is famous for its flowers. Every stylish Dutch girl knows that walking around looking like the Keukenhof in full bloom is the trendy thing to do. If you combine the floral print with a nice denim jacket you’ll look incredible!

Horror beyond words!

7. In the pits of Dutch fashion hell, there can only be

A room, lined with mirrors, which I could barely see, as there was no electricity as such. In front of each mirror sat a woman, each with a hairstyle more horrendous than the next. They sat there, in the dark, with scissors, clippers, and fruit bowls on their heads and cut their own hair.

“Yes Shallow Man, in Latin this level is described as the ‘overthirtyandsettleddownatorium’. The place where women style their own hair. Remember that we Dutch women are emancipated. So as soon as we’ve found a man that can afford to allow us to work part-time, we start cutting our own hair. At this point, it was too much, and I screamed and passed out.

Styling in the dark

The first thing men look for in a woman, is she comfortable?

No Guantanamo Bay prisoners were hurt during the writing of this post

Till next time houd je snavel!