Why Dutch Women Are The Happiest In The World
An American expat lady recently sent me the following message.
Shallow Man, I was like cycling to work, and got like caught up in a tram rail and fell flat on my face. I broke a tooth and there was like blood everywhere. A couple of Dutch women helped me up, and they were like laughing loudly. Like wow! They are like so awesome and happy! Why is that?”
Dutch women are indeed the happiest in the world, according to people that measure and believe such things.
What is it about Dutch culture and life in the Netherlands that makes Dutch women the happiest in the world? The Shallow Man will provide five reasons why this is the case and what you, dear expat readers, can learn from this.
The things I do for my readers!
1. Dutch Women wear whatever they damn well like
One of the reasons for Dutch women being the happiest in the world, is that unlike their female counterparts in other countries, there is absolutely no pressure on them to conform in any shape or form when it comes to what they wear.
Dutch women are bold, independent, and always on the cutting edge of fashion, without making any effort at all. I asked British expat fashion blogger Connie Smith, author of popular fashion blog about the Netherlands, “oh my poor eyes”, for her views on this.
One of the great things about living in the Netherlands is that back in the UK, if two women were to arrive at a party wearing the same outfit, they would be giving each other filthy looks, and it would be a HUGE deal. In the Netherlands it’s so refreshing that it wouldn’t be a problem. I’ve been at a party where twelve Dutch women were wearing exactly the same outfit, and nobody cared. In fact they were even complimenting each other”.
Even if the freedom to wear whatever they like, in actual fact, leads to Dutch women dressing identically, this makes them extremely happy. Something the depressed borderline alcoholic women in the UK and other parts of the world could learn from.
2. Dutch women speak their minds at all times
I spoke to Professor Lucinda Chumley-Man van Rijke Ouders, author of the book “Do it like the Dutch, just say whatever is on your bloody mind”, about Dutch female directness.
Well Shallow Man the natural instinct of Dutch women is to dominate. The first time I met my Dutch husbands Mother, she told me that I had bad skin, and it was probably because I wore too much makeup. I was deeply offended. But I’ve come to appreciate how refreshing it is that Dutch women speak their mind at all times, just like five year olds. This is why Dutch women are so happy.
Not having to worry about offending people takes a huge weight off the mind of Dutch women, which is why they never get depressed and will say whatever pops into their heads. Telling people exactly what you think of them is a great way of relieving stress. Why care about the impact of your words on others? If people get offended, it’s because they choose to do so, isn’t that right Shallow Man? You irritating buitenlander”.
3. Dutch women wear the brown shoes at home
Undoubtedly, one of the things that makes Dutch women so happy is their position of power in the household. At home Dutch women are like Bruce Springsteen, the boss. Yes, statistically speaking they may earn significantly less than their male partners, but the undoubted ruler at home is the assertive Dutch female.
Dutch men learn from an early age that resistance is futile, and that it’s better to go along with whatever their mothers and later their partners want. This makes life so much easier, and is why Dutch women are the most emancipated in the world. Dutch men know their plaice, and herring, and salmon.
When out shopping, you’ll see Dutch men following the orders of their women like trained dolphins jumping through hoops at the Harderwijk dolfinarium.
While most women in other countries are still chained to the cooker, Dutch women have long broken away from the tyranny of the deep fat fryer. In the Netherlands the tools of emancipation include Deliveroo, Ubereats, and Foodora. The only activity in the average Dutch kitchen are mice holding cheese parties.
4. They give birth at home
Spoilt women in other parts of the world go to hospitals to give birth. What a waste of time! Dutch women are so tough, that they have no problems giving birth at home. Pain relief during childbirth is for weak expat women. When in pain during labor just light up a cigarette. It’s ok, and after all, smoking during pregnancy in the Netherlands is ok, another reason Dutch women are the happiest in the world.
5. They are liberated independent women
In the Netherlands women speaking openly about bedroom activities in public is absolutely fine. This can take a bit of getting used to. Especially when sat opposite a Dutch woman on a tram saying loudly to her partner, “Jeroen, heb je zin om samen stoute dingen te doen?”/”Do you fancy doing some naughty things together?”
When it comes to dating, another reason why Dutch women are the happiest in the world, is that they are firmly in control. In fact, I have it on good authority that while Beyonce was on tour with Destiny’s Child in the Netherlands. She was inspired by witnessing an expat man attempting to pay the bill for a Dutch woman.
The extensive, ear-splittingly loud lecture that followed, telling him how independent Dutch women are, stayed with her and led to her writing Independent Women.
Here are some of the Netherlands centric lyrics that were in the original unreleased version.
With my girls, Lieke
Monique and Destiny’s Child
Jeroen’s Angels listen up
Uh uh uh
Question: Tell me what you think about me?
Try to control me jongen, you get dismissed
Pay my own fun, oh and I pay for my own frites
Always 50/50 in relationships
The white sneakers on my feet
I’ve bought it
The ripped jeans I’m wearing
I’ve bought it
The bike I’m riding
I stole it
Cause I depend on me
(If I want it)
The black leather jacket I’m wearing
I bought it
The leopard print top I’m wearing
I bought it (with a korting)
The fake Uggs I’m wearing
I bought them
The smartphone on which I’m sexting (while cycling)
I bought it
I depend on me
(I depend on me)
All the meisjes dropping Euros throw your hands up at me
Copyright Beyonce Knowles/Simon Woolcot from the song Independent Women in Amsterdam Zuid Part 1.
Don’t worry be happy!
No dolphins were hurt during the writing of this post.
Till next time, ‘hou je snavel!’