Firenadoes, Fires, Death and Destruction a typical Dutch New Year’s Eve
A little-known fact about the Netherlands is that their cave-dwelling ancestors first discovered fire on New Year’s Eve. No sooner had they done so they were running around looking for things to burn to the ground. Centuries later and that tradition still continues today and let’s face it, we know how important ‘tradities’ are to the Dutch. As foreigners in God’s own paradise on earth, the Netherlands, it’s not for us to mock or criticise Dutch traditions. In fact, we should embrace them and behave like the Dutch by doing the following:
1. Import illegal fireworks
The fireworks they sell legally in the Netherlands are just not powerful enough. I mean, what use are fireworks that can’t be heard several kilometres away? Drive to Belgium and spend the thousands of Euros you’ve saved by not dating Expat women wearing makeup and shoes with high heels and buy yourself enough fireworks to blow up your entire neighbourhood.
2. Blow up waste containers
You haven’t lived until you’ve stuck a couple of illegal fireworks in a waste container and then blown it open! Wow! One of the wonderful things about living in the Netherlands is that there are lots of waste containers, you and your friends can enjoy the intellectual gratification that comes from blowing the containers open and you can do this all night. So arousing!
3. Get revenge on the Germans for WW2
Yes, even though world war two ended over sixty years ago take revenge on the Germans by setting off fireworks on any car with German plates. Rache ist süß! (Revenge is sweet). If you can’t find any cars with German license plates just pick any random German car and throw fireworks at it. I mean a car full of petrol and fireworks what could possibly go wrong?
Jeroen taking Anouk away to safety
4. Let off fireworks on a busy street
Safety is just overrated. I mean, it’s a well-known fact that the best place to set off fireworks is on a pavement or in a square full of people. Even better make sure that you’re as drunk as a British tourist in Amsterdam for a stag weekend before laughing and setting them off. Laugh as people scream and howl with pain when one of your fireworks ricochets off a wall and hits someone in the head. If this happens and they have the nerve to complain, shout at your victim “it’s New Year’s Eve, what’s the problem zeikerd?”
5. Follow the example of Dutch people in Scheveningen and Duindorp
There’s a lot of expats living in the Hague and in Amsterdam. Start an annual competition to see which group of expats can build the highest bonfire. Use lots of wooden pallets and do this every year. If the weather forecast shows that it will be a dry windy night have no concern as the local fire brigade, police and city council staff will stand around watching you build a bonfire so high that it can be seen from space. Set fire to it and when it causes firenadoes, throw some fireworks at it for good measure. The combination of fireworks and firenadoes will be a fine sight to see even if burning cinders land on peoples heads and causes lots of fires. If the cops try and arrest you tell them that: “Ja maar het is traditie!” The ultimate get out of jail free card in the Netherlands. Also, bear in mind that no one was injured so what’s the big deal?
— TicToc by Bloomberg (@tictoc) January 1, 2019
— Ourania 🕴🏻 (@OuraniaNereus) January 1, 2019
No illegal firework smugglers were hurt during the writing of this post