Dutch Prime Minister Mark Rutte has announced an exit plan from the coronavirus rules. Not all actions in the plan have firm dates. For example, working from home should continue where possible throughout the rest of the year. His aim is to get back to normal as quickly as possible but in a responsible way.
1. Face masks to be compulsory on public transport
I’ll start with a measure that affects me personally. 😉 From June 1st if you’re going to be using public transport it will be mandatory to wear a face mask. Unfortunately, he didn’t mention where to buy the bloody things as they’re pretty much sold out everywhere. It’s easier to get a Dutchman to pay on the first date without sending a Tikkie afterwards than finding face masks. But ok. Anyone who has ever sat on a train while the person opposite consumes a greasy, foul-smelling snack will be grateful for this measure.
2. Contact professions can open again
Hairdressers, nail salons and massage parlours can reopen on May 11th. Dutch women can stop putting their hair in a bun themselves and get a trained professional to do it. Dutch men can pay someone to apply the several litres of hair gel required to maintain that waxwork dummy escaped from Madame Tussauds look. Mooi! Echt mooi!
3. Non-contact sports allowed from May 11th
If you’re a golfer or tennis player, break open your best packet of Aldi frozen bitterballen. Non-contact sport for the middle and upper classes can start again on Monday. I’m sure that Mark Rutte nor any members of his government play golf or tennis. Neeeee!
4. Restaurants, Cafes, Museums and music venues can open from June 1st
Fantastic news as restaurants, cafés, theaters, cinemas and concert halls will be allowed to open again. However, reservations are mandatory. Furthermore, cafes and restaurants will only be allowed to have a maximum of thirty people on the premises including staff. Plus the 1.5 meter social distancing rule must be maintained. I suspect that time limited sittings in restaurants and cafes will become the new normal.
Great news for the many heavy smokers in the Netherlands as cafe terraces will also be allowed to open. Crowds of people smoking until they cough up their lungs on the floor, only to say, “er is niks an de hand, nog een sigaret a.u.b.” Will swarm to the terraces like covidiots queuing to get into IKEA. Wat leuk!
5. Secondary schools will be allowed to open on June 1st
Infant and primary school children will continue to go to school 50% of the time. Secondary schools will reopen on June 1st.
6. Everyone who wants a test for the coronavirus can have one
From June 1st testing will be available for anyone who needs it, once the obligatory paracetamol consumption and waiting period is over.
7. Camping sites can open on July 1st
If you heard your Dutch neighbours cheering and clapping this is why. The Dutch auto erotic fixation with camping will be satisfied as camping sites can open again!
From July 1st restaurants, bars, music venues and cinemas will be allowed to increase the number of people on their premises to 100 people.
8. Sex Clubs and Saunas open on September 1st
Sex clubs will open on September 1st. Mark Rutte failed to mention if the 1.5-meter rule will still be required at sex clubs. That will certainly require some creativity and flexibility from the clientele and workers. No doubt that will become clear at a later date. Saunas will also open on that date. Contact sport, which I guess also falls under the definition of a visit to a brothel or a sex club will be allowed from that date too. Gyms will be allowed to reopen too. That’s assuming they haven’t all gone bankrupt by then.
For more details on the changes to the coronavirus rules you can go here.
No caravan lovers were hurt during the writing of this post
It mite be a bit difficult to kerp the wait staff breasts out of your face as they set down the plates on the table not sure how that’s gonna work to get good tips anymore from the customer at 1.5 m away from one’s face now. ????????????