More Questions For the Dutch Inburgering Exam
In his never ending quest to assist his readers, the Shallow Man recently developed the Shallow Man inburgering exam test.
For those of you who are not familiar with the inburgering exam process, Dutch residents from non-EU countries are expected to take a series of tests that upon successful completion will assist the candidates in better integrating with Dutch society.
There have been a number of Dutch TV shows where bekende Nederlanders have crashed and burned while attempting to answer some of the questions posed in the exams. In order to assist those of you that are studying inburgering, the Shallow Man has developed some more inburgering exam practice questions.
The things I do for my readers!
Kennis Nederlandse Samenleving (Knowledge of Dutch Society) Inburgering Exam questions
You are going to a funeral what is the appropriate way to dress?
- As a sign of respect dress in black
- Doe maar effe normaal, a pair of jeans or a jogging suit is fine
- Wear whatever I happen to have on at the time
You are going to a wedding, what is the appropriate way to dress
- Go out and buy a new suit, jacket or dress, as you want to look good at the ceremony
- Doe maar effe normaal, nothing wrong with jeans or a pair of leggings
- “I live in Amsterdam and cycle everywhere, so I’ll dress to be comfortable”
You are a Dutch female and are waiting for tram. When it arrives, an elegantly dressed man in a three piece suit allows you to get on the tram ahead of him. How do you respond
- Acknowledge the gesture and get on the tram
- Say nothing at all
- Look at the man and in a loud voice say “hey, what do you want from me?”
You are on a date with Dutch female, which of the following is the correct behavior when the bill arrives?
- Offer to pay the bill
- Insist on going Dutch
- Insist on going Dutch and if she hasn’t got enough money to cover her portion of the bill, drive her around the city at gunpoint until she goes to an ATM and withdraws enough money for both the bill and to cover the cost of petrol used while driving her there
A Moroccan family moves into the building where you’re living, what is the correct behavior?
- When you meet them introduce yourself and let them know if they any questions they only need to ask
- Go out and get a quote for a burglar alarm and install expensive web enabled video surveillance that will send you text messages if anyone enters your apartment
- Smile at them, be polite, and then when you’re out with your friends spend time cursing kut marokkanen
According to Jan van Strakke Broek, the famous Dutch economist in his book Nederlandse Afspraakjes Economics, on which date if sex does not occur, should the smart investor cut his losses and look elsewhere?
You get to know a man or woman who is sexually attractive to you. However, they are in a relationship, what is the correct form of behavior?
- Remain just friends
- See if you can be friends with “benefits”
- Get down and dirty with them as soon as you can, if you get caught respond by saying “hey I only wanted to borrow him/her”
Question 8 (for female participants)
You’re in a busy bar and you see a man that you find attractive. What is the correct behavior?
- Make eye contact and hope that he comes over to talk to you
- Hunt him down like a fox in a chicken coop, corner him and fire a thousand questions at him until he collapses, then drag him home and work out on his body until he is too weary to walk or talk
- Surround him with your friends, ensuring that no other female in the bar can get near him. Then fire a thousand questions at him a loudly as you can including “HEY HOW’S YOUR DUTCH?” Snatch his smartphone from him and enter your number, email address, date of birth, blood type, information about your menstruation cycle, etc.
Question 9 (for male participants)
You’re in a busy bar and you see a woman that you find attractive. What is the correct behavior?
- Make eye contact and see if you can start a conversation with her
- Sit in the same spot for the entire evening and keep staring at her, then at your drink, then stare at her, and finally go home without having said a word to her
- If you are in banking or have wealthy parents, take out the key to your BMW/AUDI/Porsche and leave them on the bar. If she doesn’t notice this, start speaking very loudly about the merits of your auto and hope that she is shallow enough to approach you. (Move on ten years in the future, when she has divorced you, is living in your former apartment and driving a newer version of your car, all paid for by you)
Question 10 (for female participants)
You’re getting ready for work, you wash your hair, which of the following is normal Dutch behavior?
- Invest in a hair dryer and leave the house with hair fully styled
- Leave the house with soaking wet hair, then sit on a tram, bus or train and comb and brush your hair, leaving plenty of traces of hair lying around so it gets stuck to the clothes of innocent men that then get hell from their suspicious partners
- Do nothing, neither style or dry your hair, ensuring that at work you have something in common with the rest of your Dutch female colleagues
The Shallow Man says
How did you do on the inburgering exam practice questions? If you answered mainly ones, then you need to go back to wherever you came from as you clearly don’t understand how to live in the workers and social paradise that is the Netherlands. If you answered mainly two’s or three’s goed gedaan! You’ve assimilated well and I expect to see you at the next vrienden van Amstel live singing along.
No diabolical singers were hurt during the writing of this post.