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Stuff Dutch Men Hate

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Stuff Dutch Men Hate the Top nine

The Shallow Man believes in equal opportunities for all. Having written about stuff Dutch people hate, as well as stuff Dutch women hate, It’s only fair that I turn my attention to Dutch men. In order to avoid the inevitable accusations that I don’t know what I’m talking about, I’ve reached out to my Multikulti flock and asked them for suitable suggestions on the stuff Dutch men hate. I’ve been inundated with so many suggestions that I couldn’t possibly fit them all into a single post, so will use only a small selection of the observations contributed by my fabulous readers.

Now my post might annoy some, and if as a result I’m captured by a group of angry Dutch men, who force me to eat slices of bread covered in hagelslag, and then force me to wash it down with a glass of milk, I’ll say to my enemies, “jullie zijn toch volwassenen, waarom eten jullie als kinderen?”. (You’re grown men, why do eat like children?).

The things I do for my readers!

Dutch hagelslag
Perfect lunch for grown men

1. Stuff Dutch men hate above all else black Shoes

Until I moved to the Netherlands, I thought that blue suede shoes was the title of an Elvis Presley song. How wrong I was. Dutch men, in spite of not being too keen on non-western immigration, happily embrace all possible colors when it comes to shoes. In fact, if you take a train into Amsterdam Zuid or Den Haag Central station, you’ll see shoes with more shades of brown than an open sewer. Dutch men hate black shoes as they have the same effect on them as a crucifix to a vampire.

Dutch men hate black shoes
“Keep those black shoes away from me, nooooooo!!!”

2. Not receiving sex as a sign of gratitude

Second on my list of stuff Dutch men hate is an issue that appears to be quite common.

To my female expat readers, if you must live here, you’ve got to learn Dutch normen en waarden (norms and values). If a Dutch man does any of the following for you, the normal way of expressing gratitude is to offer, rampant, ear bleedingly loud, passionate sex.

  • He spent precious time and petrol money, driving 1.6 kilometers out of his way to take you home
  • He paid the bill on the second date, the entire bill!
  • He walked you home at one am, and you live in a dangerous neighborhood (he spotted some brown skinned folks walking around)

Not reciprocating with sex in the situations outlined above, will anger your Dutch date, and might contribute to the ending of what could have been a beautiful one night stand.

Woman at Febo on a date with a Dutch man
Traditional local place for a first date with an urban Dutchman

 

Stunned looking squirrel
“Je bent een high maintenance woman, kijk mij niet zo aan!”

3. Foreigners that give themselves fancy airs and graces

A Dutch man suggested this. What he means by foreigners that give themselves fancy airs and graces, are people that behave as follows:

  • Opening doors for women
  • Saying please and thank you
  • Leaving generous tips in cafes and restaurants
  • Giving up your seat on public transport for pregnant women or the elderly
  • Not shouting about how many orgasms you had the previous night into your smartphone while on public transport
  • Washing your hands after using the toilet
  • Wearing a suit to a wedding as opposed to a pair of old jeans and a moth eaten jumper

Doe maar gewoon, dan doe je al gek genoeg!

washing hands
What a waste of time, doe maar normaal!

 

4. Hair without gel

A Dutchman leaving the house without hair gel being applied is like a Dutch woman that doesn’t have sex on the second date, pretty bloody rare. Dutch men spend far more time in the bathroom getting ready than their female counterparts. The objective is to look just like a cross between a nineteen eighties footballer and Macgyver.

New Kids publicity photo
Trendy modern Dutch male hairstyles

5. Germans

The second world war was a long time ago, we’re all friends now right? Wrong! Dutch men have no problem with Germans most of the time, but when they have the bloody cheek to win the world cup, (again),  all of the anti-German sentiment comes rising to the fore faster than getting an erection every time they check their bank balances.

Suddenly comments about returning their grandpa’s bike, or “how does a German open an oyster? They knock hard on the Oyster’s shell three times and shout “AUFMACHEN!”.  Once the shell is open the German then says “AUSWEIS!!!”.

banner dl

 

6. Paying the bill on a date

I’m conflicted here, as, on one hand, I’ve received lots of messages from women who tell me that Dutch men always ask to split the bill on the first date. I’ve also received a few messages from angry Dutch men, telling me that it’s not true. The truth, as always, is somewhere in the middle and in fact a major cultural misunderstanding. Dutch men are happy to pay the bill on the first date, as long as you make it clear that at some point in the near future, (preferably the same day) your legs will spread easier than margarine on a boterham. Problem opgelost!

Sad Dutch man
“Thirteen Euros and fifty  spent on a date, and no sex!”

7. Women driving expensive cars

Nothing angers some Dutchmen more than seeing a woman driving a car more expensive than their own. This will lead to such pleasantries as “kijk uit je domme trut!” and other choice words not used by gentlemen, without any provocation whatsoever. Guys, some women are smarter than you and I, and are able to earn more money, get over it.

woman in luxury car Dutch reaction
“I bet her husband bought that car”.  No she’s just smarter than you are

8. Buying flowers

Globalisation is changing good old fashion Dutch traditions. It used to be that in the Netherlands, men would only buy flowers after they’d euthanized their Grandparents. Unbelievably, Dutch women, are now starting to expect flowers on February the 14th. That’s a stupid tradition thought up by foreigners and brought to the Netherlands so that foreign companies can get their hands on the hard working Dutchman’s money. Some women even expect flowers, just like that, FOR NO REASON! Ongelooflijk!

Stuff Dutch men hate buying flowers
“She wants flowers, FOR NO REASON!!!”

9. Stuff Dutch men hate dancing

Dutch men don’t dance. In fact, the only time they feel comfortable dancing is when high on ecstasy or dressed up as Zwarte Piet. If anyone needs evidence that ZP is indeed, truly not meant to be a black man, just look at the video below. No brothers have ever moved like that. Instead of all of the pseudo historical arguments about traditions, I suggest that the supporters of Zwarte Piet simply show the video below as evidence that he really does have nothing to do with black people at all.

 

To summarise the stuff Dutch men hate

The key to success when dating a local lion is to avoid doing the things that Dutch men hate. So remember to insist on eating at FEBO on the first date, pay the bill, then invite him home for sex. Romance is alive and well in the Netherlands. Enjoy!

No women driving expensive cars were hurt during the writing of this post.

For more shallow Wisdom check out my YouTube channel.

Till next time hou je mond!

 

 

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About Simon Woolcot

Infamous blogger, annoyance and self-confessed Shallow Man. Simon is a British expat who has lived in Amsterdam since 2004. As well as writing this blog, Simon also has a YouTube channel of the same name, writes and directs videos and hosts seminars about life in the Netherlands. He also works as a content marketing and SEO specialist.