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Pride Prejudice and Brexit

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The Brexit referendum will take place soon. When it comes to the EU, the Shallow Man is as happy as a Dutch girl shopping at G-Star Raw. For this reason, I have struggled to understand why so many of my fellow British citizens are so keen on leaving the comforting bosom of the EU.  I’m obviously out of touch with the feelings of the common man (and woman) in my home country. So have asked Dave Asbo, who runs a popular blog in the UK called ‘control our borders’ to do a guest blog piece. In his own eloquent manner, he’ll explain why the ordinary Brit on the street wants out of the EU.
I hope dear reader, that you’ll find this a refreshing change of pace from my usual posts about Dutch fashion and tolerance. 😉

The things I do for my readers!

So over to Dave Asbo.

Brexit

When that Shallow bloke asked me to write a piece for his blog about Brexit, I said “Oi, you’re taking the piss, aren’t you? I mean, you live all the way over there, on the continent. What do I care what a bunch of Euros think about Brexit? But then he told me that he has a lot of British readers who’ll be voting as well, so it gives me the chance to tell them why anyone voting to stay in the EU is a bloody traitor!

Pride

But first, a little bit about me. I’m a true, patriotic Englishman. I’m a simple man, love my beer, birds, football and the royal family. (Not necessarily in that order).  When I left school, I went into business with me dad. You name it we would do it. Plumbing, roof tiling, electrical work, we did it all. We had some good years. But then, the bloody EU started introducing elf and safety rules, which the UK was forced to follow.

So one day, me and me dad, was having a deeply intellectual discussion at our local curry house about the problems caused by immigration, and why they should all be sent back. When PC Plod (the Police) came and took us to the Police station. They said that Asbo and son (our company) had to stop doing electrical work and plumbing because some old coffin dodger (pensioner) had got an electric shock while trying to have a bath.

 

Prejudice

The Police were very sympathetic and said that they’d rather be out catching Romanians, for being Romanian, than harass a couple of hard working Englishman. But they had no choice, EU law said that our work wasn’t up to safety standards, so next time we’d be prosecuted.

The next thing we knew, all of our clients started getting their work done by Polish immigrants. They’d say to me, “Dave, even though that plumbing job you did for the wife, flooded the garden and drowned the cat,  I’d have used you again, (always hated that bloody cat) but the Poles do the work for half of what you charge, and there’s no need to claim on insurance afterwards.”

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Ok your house was slightly damaged but at least it was Englishmen wot done it

Brexit is about controlling our borders

So this is what things have come to! The hard working English grafter is being replaced by Poles and Romanians. I mean, what an insult! They come over here, they don’t even speak English proper, like what we do, and yet they can steal the work of the English! Well, I say “no way, Pedro. It’s our work you’re trying nick, Ludwik.”  We’ve got to be able to control our borders.

 

Is there a (British) Doctor in the house?

So the other night, I was down the pub with me best mate, and after a hard day’s drinking,  I see this bloke staring at me from across the bar. So I walk over to him, and shout “WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?” It was only then that I realized it was a full-length mirror. So not wanting to embarrass myself, I give him a headbutt, which split me head open.

So I’m taken to the hospital, and the nurse starts asking me questions, and I say, “you’ve got a funny accent, you’re foreign!” She didn’t even try and deny it. “I’m from Holland,” she said.  “Really? You got any weed on you?” She didn’t even laugh, which says a lot about their sense of humor.

So after waiting for hours, a doctor comes to see me. I clock his name badge (read his badge) and it says, Dr. Kowalski. So I said, “where you from mate, Syria?” and he says he’s Polish.

“Polish? I need me head stitching, I didn’t order a plumber. Get me an English doctor RIGHT NOW!”

He looked at me with the hatred of a Dutchman being asked to leave a tip, then said, “If you want an English doctor, you’d better get on the plane to Magaluf, they’re all in Spain.”

Ha!  “how did you become a doctor? Magaluf’s not in Spain, it’s part of the UK.”

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Aaaaaah, now bugger off back to Poland after Brexit

The only way to vote in the referendum is to leave the EU

The UK needs to return to being a sovereign state. Once we’re out of the EU, we’ll be able to go back to overcharging old ladies, and maiming and injuring people from shoddy handy work, without fear of the big brother in Brussels telling us what to do.

We need our minicabs driven by people who are too lazy to learn directions and rely on stolen tom-toms that haven’t been updated for years. Yes, you might end up driving into a river, but at least the driver would be English, not a pole, or other eastern European doing jobs that would usually, quite bloody rightly, be vacant.

We don’t want to see Polish shops on our high streets. Taking up spaces that could have been used by pubs, off licenses or betting shops. When we leave the EU, we’ll be able to order fish and chips without having to repeat the order phonetically, because the eastern Europeans don’t get the local lingo, know what I mean?

Brexit will return the UK to its glory days when anything eastern European was behind the iron curtain, and the darkies knew their rightful place. So I ask all Brits, even you middle-class ponces living it up abroad in cheese and XTC land, to do your patriotic duty and vote to leave the EU. You know it makes sense.

 

To Summarise

Firstly a big shallow man thank you to Dave Asbo for that illuminating piece.

Brexit is really about intolerance. It’s the bitter, narrow-minded, provincial Brit, who can’t stand the fact that the country is full of people smart enough to start their own businesses or find jobs, even though English isn’t their native tongue. One man sees a Polish store and thinks, ‘wow, they’re new here, but already have their own business, good luck to them.’ Others see such establishments as proof that the UK has lost some imaginary battle with the foreign hordes. The leave campaign uses a lot of ‘meta speak’ Weasel words that mask their true meaning.

We must control our borders

This means, ‘we must stop people from eastern Europe getting in, there’s way too many of them already.’

It’s about taking back power from the EU

This actually means that inconvenient legislation, such as human rights laws, can be ignored. Wonderful, the UK can be on par with countries such as Saudi Arabia or Qatar when it comes to human rights.

The majority of people that will vote to leave the EU, will be groups of people in British society that normally never mix. Working class types, whose idea of traveling is the annual sex weekend in Amsterdam, and a week in a Spanish resort, that’s so British that many believe it does belong to the UK. The other group will be middle-class little Englanders, angry that their local post office is now run by a Polish woman, and that their kids go to school with people with names such as Karolina, Agnieszka, and Bogdan.

The leave camp is a dangerous mix of flag waving bigots, seriously in denial that the new British disease is antipathy towards people from eastern Europe. If the UK leaves, we will become a laughing stock. The suggestion that the UK outside the EU could compete on an equal footing with the other 27 member states of the EU is a joke. A recession will hit the UK, that will cause the already over inflated property market to collapse. But hey, if the sight of a Polish supermarket annoys you that much, then yes, vote to leave.

No little Englanders were hurt during the writing of this post

Till next time, rot op en laat me met rust, ik ben bezig met sexting!

 

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About Simon Woolcot

Infamous blogger, annoyance and self-confessed Shallow Man. Simon is a British expat who has lived in Amsterdam since 2004. As well as writing this blog, Simon also has a YouTube channel of the same name, writes and directs videos and hosts seminars about life in the Netherlands. He also works as a content marketing and SEO specialist.