Amsterdam to be renamed to Amsterderdorp

The Mayor of Amsterdam, Femke Halsema has announced that the city will be renamed to Amsterdorp, (Amstervillage in English). The new name will be a better reflection of the council’s plans for the city which include:

  • Relocating the famous red light district from the Wallen and Ruysdaelkade to other underrated locations such as Hoofddorp and Harderwijk
  • Banning kut tourists from using coffee shops so that local weed smokers won’t have to listen to people speaking languages other than Nederlands
  • Renaming ‘IAmsterdam’ to ‘Ishallrotopsomewhereelse’
  • All nightclubs and bars will be ordered to play Dutch music only
  • Issuing a minimum fine of 350 euros to any foreign influencers who are caught having photos taken of themselves standing in front of Amsterdam grachtenpanden

Press spokesperson Maaike van de Witte Dorp:

“Amsterdam used to be echt gezellig hoor! But tourism has ruined the city. When I first left my one-horse town and moved to Amsterdam as a student, het was echt leuk! Of course, I had to get used to the fact that there were some Moroccans, Turks and black people here, but at the time they were nicely segregated in different neighbourhoods and schools so you didn’t have to interact with them.

As for tourists, as long as you avoided the red light district and the center of Amsterdam the only time you’d meet one was if they were seriously lost. I remember the first time I met a tourist in Amsterdam I was walking along the Churchilllaan in the Rivierenbuurt when two men came up to me and said, “excuse me, love, you wouldn’t know where the hookers street is? We’ve come all the way from Essex to blow our money on hookers and wakkie baccy but every coffee place we’ve been to so far doesn’t sell weed. 8 hours in Amsterdam and we still have blue balls and are stone-cold sober. What a rip-off!

Being a Dutch woman I, of course, pretended that I couldn’t speak British English. I told them that ‘here in Holland, we learn American English by watching TV, not like the kut Duitsers who have everything dubbed into German and as a result speak English as if they’re firing a machine gun while speaking.’ Anyway, even back then I realised that tourism was seriously out of control if English speakers are walking around Amsterdam Zuid and asking questions in ENGLISH! Not even a single word of Dutch and they’d been in the Netherlands for 8 hours Gadverdamme!

The road to Amsterdorp

The decision to pretty much ban tourism in Amsterdam is entirely logical when you consider that in recent years Amsterdam allowed some of the following:

  • The mass building of hotels throughout the city
  • Approved hundreds of residential properties becoming bed and breakfast hotels
  • Allowed the mass proliferation of places selling waffles and ice cream on every corner in the city center
  • Spent millions promoting the city to tourists

“Ask me for directions to the red light district again. I dare you, I double dare you”

Once all the measures are in place, Amsterdam will be gezellig once more. A place where you can go to your local supermarket wearing a dressing gown and nobody will look at you twice. A place where you can visit a cafe in Amsterdam and order in NEDERLANDS and the person serving won’t reply in an oostblock accent, “can you say that again in English please?” The goal is to discourage working-class types who drink beer, eat junk food, smoke weed and fornicate with women in the red light district. What the city wants are people who will drink wine and overpriced coffee, eat at fine restaurants, discretely consume cocaine and use Tinder or hire escorts to visit them in their reassuringly expensive hotel rooms. Those kind of tourists are acceptable.

Amsterdam, a local town for local people

Amsterdam in the near future

No sex and drugs tourists were hurt during the writing of this post.

Until next time, “you’re not from around here are you?”