Dating Dutch Girls Essential Tips
The Shallow Man is comfortable and confident with his sexuality, therefore, he has no problem with drinking sex on the beach. Yes, it could be regarded as a rather feminine cocktail, but like Rhett Butler, in Gone With The Wind, frankly my dears I don’t give a damn.
So, one evening at the Butcher, I was engaged in conversation with an interesting chap, an anthropologist. We were discussing the word of the year in the Netherlands, which is ‘selfie’. The anthropologist, who happens also to be an expert on Dutch history, told me that the first selfies were actually drawn on cave walls during the stone age by cave women. Unlike the rest of the world, in the Netherlands it wasn’t the cavemen who went out hunting, it was actually the women. The men were busy in the cave, perfecting what would later be known as the Lion King hairstyle and looking after the kids, while the women, after a hard days hunting would return home, and start drawing paintings of themselves and their hunting activities on the walls of the cave.
I wasn’t surprised by this explanation in the slightest, as it explains a lot about the modern Dutch dating scene, which brings me to the subject of today’s post. The Shallow Man, for various reasons, has spent much of his time in the Netherlands as a happy single. I was even happier when I realized that according to Het Parool, the area in which I live, Amsterdam Zuid, has the highest number of single women in the country, and more women than men. Due to my experiences with dating various Dutch women over the years, my readers have often asked me for advice on how to succeed with the often beautiful, but also often badly dressed, and dare I say loud and sexually aggressive local Dutch girls.
Thinking only of the needs of my readers, I put together a guide on how to date Dutch girls. This received a mixed response and led to lots of calls for the Shallow Man to go back to London. In spite of this, as it’s Christmas, I shall step once more into the breach and provide an updated seasonal guide on how to date Dutch women. If as a result, I’m locked in a room and given only white bread, hagelslag and back issues of Linda (surely the most offensive magazine ever published) I shall shout at my detractors, doe maar, sukkel. The things I do for my readers!
How to date Dutch girls
In the Dutch dating scene, the ladies are the hunter gatherers. It’s critical to remember this when dating the old fashioned way, i.e. in bars, clubs etc. I’ll elaborate on this below.
Don’t disturb the Antelope
A common mistake made by expat men is to attempt to disturb the antelope at watering holes. Dutch antelope, are the ones who decide who, how and when they will be eaten. A typical scene that will play itself out in bars and clubs throughout the country this holiday season will be groups of Dutch ladies who’ll be gathered together, shouting, smoking, making selfies and drinking. If any Lion is dumb enough to approach these ladies, while they are busy in their same sex socializing ritual, the Lions will be dismissed and will end up leaving the watering hole, dejected and alone.
To avoid this, one needs to have patience and like any sensible animal at a watering hole, be well aware of its surroundings and look out for tell tale signals, that indicate that the antelope would like to welcome you into their territory. Due to the history of Dutch women, traditionally have been the hunter gatherers in the past, they will in no uncertain terms make their interest in you so obvious, that you’d have to be blind and deaf not to notice. When it comes to the dating game, subtlety is something, the majority of young Dutch women have not learned. You will either be hunted down, pulled into the middle of the antelope circle and interrogated, or there will at least be clear signals such as being stared at constantly until you feel that you have to go over and say hello.
The Shallow Man’s tips for initial conversations with Dutch girls
In spite of shall we say fashion challenges, Dutch women are beautiful. This can often turn normally proud and brave lions into quivering lumps of jelly when in the presence of rather hot Dutch ladies. When hunted down by the Dutch antelope, keep tongue firmly in mouth. A tongue that causes a woman to trip over it as it’s hanging so far out of a Lion’s mouth, is not particularly attractive. Seriously though, keep your nerve, be polite. The first phase of getting to know Dutch women in bars is to withstand an interrogation that would make Guantanamo Bay look like a holiday camp. The hunting Dutch antelope, especially if you’re an expat, will want to know everything about why you are here in Holland. Your profession, how long you’ve been here, do you like it here? (which means you’d better love it or else) and so on.
Dutch girls, do not react well to sarcasm in these situations, so resist the urge to tell them that you hate every minute spent in the Netherlands which is why you’re still living here. Be polite, and pretend that you’ve never heard these questions before. Dutch ladies are often generously blessed in the breast area, keep focused on her eyes, just the eyes. If after a couple of drinks, you haven’t been dismissed, then you are already doing well. The key tip from the shallow man in this regard is, never, ever, even on pain of death, ask for a Dutch girls phone number. If they are interested in seeing you again, they will ask you for your details. The ladies here generally, and this is of course in my experience, are put off by men that are too keen or pushy. Just relax and if things go further, good, if not, so be it.
In the next part of the Shallow Man’s holiday season dating tips, I’ll make recommendations on first dates and how to impress the denim off your date.
No antelope or blushing lions were hurt during the writing of this article.